Please excuse me while my head explodes from the torrent of self-loathing and general bitter sentiments that are growing daily. I can't figure out what happened... I had it all figured out, and then one day, it just fell apart on me and I had nothing figured out. I fail(ed) as a graphic designer, which isn't surprising, because I had so much passion for it going into the program, and then it fizzled and I lost that creative spark and now I've got... nothing. A permanently ingrained knowledge of the quick keys of Adobe Illustrator on a Mac. That's about it. I can't even look through design books without getting sad and mopey. I could have done it. But now I'm almost certain that I can't.

Anyway. I just feel like a giant failure. Everything made crystal-clear sense - finish high school, go to college, get into the graphic design program, graduate. Then what? Then... nothing. I've got nothing. Did I even want to do graphic design? I don't know. When I was making up my mind about what I wanted to be, the only thing that sounded like a fit was graphic design. That was the only thing I wanted. And now I don't know what I want because that's all I thought I knew and the more I try and pick it back up the less I realize I know about it. I skated by on something but as sure as hell wasn't talent, and I don't really know what I'm left with. And there are those who would argue with me but if they were to try to do it right this minute I would bitchslap them with all the energy I have left (which isn't much, most of it got wiped out by this infernal cold that won't fully go away) because it's easy for them to talk down on me when they're good and talented and perfectly set for whatever they could possibly want to do with their lives. Nobody really understands how hard this is for me. It's not that I'm not used to failure it's just that I'm not used to it on this grand of a scheme. I mean, this is my life. If things don't look up, I'm screwed. (That, and, however irrelevant it might seem, it feels like even my parents are a bit disappointed in me that I didn't land some awesome job after college and that I don't even have a moderately awesome job. It's a rather disheartening feeling because it's one I've never felt before, and I know they'd never admit it outright, but still. I don't live and die by my parents' praise and expectations but going from academic superstar to moderately successful college student to ... this... I don't think my parents have really been disappointed in me before and that just adds to the overall feeling of "I'm a big fat fucking failure at life".)

It's days like this that I especially miss college, just simply for the fact that I could always count on my friends to be there, literally, when I needed them. Now they're miles away and I'm all by myself and I feel like more of a loser hermit than usual.

That, and I don't even feel like myself anymore. I don't really know how to explain it... other than I feel like all the parts of me that made me not hate myself are kind of fading away and all that's left is me and the parts of me that I don't like. I miss who I used to be and I can't fix it and that just makes me even sadder. I'm just going to be a miserable little lump pretty soon here.

And then I made cookies and after I was done I decided that that wasn't even the kind of cookie that I really wanted. And now I'm pissed at these cookies and that makes them not taste very good. Which is really kind of depressing in its own right.